Flore Astid is a former cult member who grew up in a cult. She uses poetry and other forms of writing to explore both her resilience and her sufferings. To find out more about our counseling services for former cult members, contact us at (212) 632-4640 or info@cultclinic.org

Here is something I wrote in 1993 at a buddhist retreat center which I visited only once because I kept having flashbacks. It really reflects my attitude to life and all things "spiritual".

Thoughts on Spirituality

Wondering where this path will lead yet not in the least reluctant. A power greater than my deepest fears is pulling me onwards, I feel it, I am enchanted by it. This is the power which gives me life and the strength to endure the torments of hell for the sake of divine wisdom and understanding. For where God is my saviour, the devil is my teacher and both dwell in the depths of my soul. I pray not for an easy life but for a life which will teach me to know the darkest shadows of existence and endow me with the keys to release me from the chains that bind me to them, set me free and send my soul flying to those heights it once knew, unrestrained. Through pain I will learn to know pleasure, through misery I will come to know joy, through lies I will come to know truth and through life itself I will gain the wisdom of death. This is my path.

As for the flashbacks at the Buddhist center, this basically revolved around the group dynamics with regards to the spiritual leader at the retreat. It seems like we really don't have a tradition of true devotion in the west so he was worshipped more like some sort of idolized popstar with buddha-like qualities. Everything seemed to be swallowed as THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH and he had this little clique of "spiritual groupies" who followed him around everywhere obeying his every command (and of course it was a great honour to be allowed into this sacred groupie clique). I don't place all the fault within the leader himself, I actually found him to be quite authentic in many respects, I just couldn't deal with all the zealous, starstruck puppy-love worshipping coming from his devotees, it was too cult-like (reminded me of the cult I grew up in, which is why I say "flashbacks"), and really turned me off. True devotion, I think, comes from within, it flows naturally, this seemed more like a superficial and vulgar mimicking of the real thing...